She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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