Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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