So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize