i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
