I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
