You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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