so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
