she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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