Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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