I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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