How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
