I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
