yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
