Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
