Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
