why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
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