There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
