Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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