She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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