I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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