My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Someone shattered a urinal.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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