He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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