I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
