Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
