Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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