I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I don't think brook has ever known best
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
