I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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