I'm so fucking centered right now
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
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