Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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