The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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