Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
