omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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