I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
