Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
