Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
