I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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