we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
