why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Couch. On fire.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
