god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
