ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
