dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
