I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
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