I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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