Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
