textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
