gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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