don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
she smelled like a LAN party
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
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