i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
