My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
