Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
