Where are you?
In a non slutty way
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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