I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
