im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
