If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
