You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
