Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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