bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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