um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
It was confusing and full of hummus
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
My vagina just recognized that song.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
