I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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