I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
