Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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