I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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